Nerozumím (nɛɾozumiːm)

Phrase. "I don't understand"

I can't speak Czech, that's the main problem. It doesn't help that there is a shortage of vowels in the country, and those that haven't been purged are distributed sparsely in words such as "čtvrtek" ("Thursday") or missing entirely in phrases like "Strč prst skrz krk" ("Stick your finger in your throat"). Thankfully alcoholism and table football are a universal language and to honour that, an image where the two have brought together people from many cultures (Argentina, Scotland, New Zealand and Czech Republic):

That said, I do have an on-going feud with the old lady who works in the little kiosk across the road from the hotel. After 11pm the kiosk half-closes and you have to bark your orders through this little hatch, which scuppers my usual point-and-say-in-English-anyway strategy. When I ask for "chips" (which is pan-global for "crisps") the lady has no idea and acts like this concept is entirely alien to her - fobs me off with a sandwich menu or just a series of confused frowns and a shrug.

Or at least she pretends to have no idea. My latest theory is that she is getting some kind of satisfaction from denying me the one thing I've been craving while drunk. I know they sell them here. I've seen them. I've bought them. It says chips on the packet. I even say cheeps instead of chips because I know that's how they roll.

However the next time I stagger over to her little window I will not utter a single word. I have an idea which will once and for all end this little game of hers. Behold my prop, my secret weapon:

Czech mate.